Love'n Life with Lisa
Why is Change so darn Difficult??
By Lisa de Lusignan
Feb 4, 2010 - 2:33:03 PM

Well it’s mid February and if you made any New Years resolution, it might be starting to slip from your memory.  Or it is so stuck in your mind that you are beating yourself up because you have not lived up to your commitment.  We make these resolutions because there is something we want to change, adjust or try something new. But what happens? We have the best intentions, we have great ideas, great passion at the time, and something happens as the days go by.  

One thing that happens with an idea is we pick something that is too big. The goal is too far away and too large for us to reach it, and in a world of instant gratification we want in a few weeks not a few months. We have to remember whatever it is that we are wanting to change has been there for years, it does not just transform in a week or two.  And what is it that we are really wanting from the change? Is it a fantasy of how we will feel with the change or the things that we will get?  

There are a few things that can make it easier for us and ensure a greater chance of long term success.  

Ask yourself what you want to gain from the change and be realistic about how you believe you will feel.  Be sure that you are making these changes for yourself and not to get something or please someone else. Write a clear statement about your intention.

Get informed about what it is you are heading towards or wanting to give up. Information is power.

Pick a time frame that is realistic depending on the goal. Six months is about the right amount of time to make some realistic changes and leaves time for relapse, mistakes and corrections.

Break your plan into small steps, ultimately leading to your final goal

Tell at least one person about what your game plan and ask for feedback and help along the way. Telling someone is a way to help you stick to your plan.

Reward yourself along the way when you are sticking to your commitment.

Here is an example of a common goal using these suggestions.

Goal: Healthy body, get fit and lose weight

I want to feel good about my body, have more energy and lose 20 lbs in 6 months.

Research a couple of books on nutrition and an activity that I can participate and enjoy.

In 2 weeks I will find the exercise program that will work for me and have it scheduled on my calendar.

I will eat in more then I will eat out starting this week. I will pick a day once a week that I will buy healthy groceries. I will move my body at least three times a week.

I will show my plan to (whoever you trust to support and understand your goal) this week.

At the end of this month when I am successful I will reward myself with: i.e. a new workout garment, new pair of sneakers, my favourite magazine, a night dancing,  a massage, pedicure, or special day trip somewhere beautiful.

If I am not successful I will review my plan and ask my support person for some feedback.  

Remember all you can do is your best; be aware of how hard you are on yourself about setbacks or mistakes.  You have had these habits for a long time be patient with yourself and forgive yourself for mishaps and relapse.

Ask Lisa: 

Dear Lisa,

My boss is having an affair and I am in the position of having to lie to her spouse. How can I get out of it, what can I do? Should I tell her husband?

Kelly  

Dear Kelly,

This is a tough situation because I assume you are quite close to your boss since she has confided in you.  First of all talk to a lawyer to make sure you are secure in your job and you are covered if your boss tries to fire if it gets more difficult. As hard as it might be you have to have a candid conversation with your boss, telling her that you will not longer lie to her husband, and being open with her about how difficult this has been for you. This is between your boss and her spouse it is not up to you to inform the husband. It may not be the ideal market to look for another job but if it is possible you may want to consider working for another company that has higher standards and less personal issues crossing over to the work environment.  

Dear Lisa,

I have been apart from my ex boyfriend for about a year now. He lives in another city so I have had little contact with him for about 3 months. My friend sometimes visits that city and stays with him. I know they are just friends but I am very uncomfortable with it. The last time she stayed with him, she told me all these things that he said blaming me for the break up and she agreed with him. I don’t want her to stay with him again and I am so uncomfortable with her now.  What can I do, how do I stop them from talking about me?

Jenn  

Dear Jenn,

You cannot stop anyone from talking about you. What you can do is stop listening to it. You always have the choice of what conversations to participate. It sounds like you need a heart to heart with your friend. Does she realize that you are hurt by her staying there? Does she know you are hurt by what she said? By talking to her about how you feel, you will feel better and maybe you can understand where she is coming from.

I would think about what feelings you are still carrying for your ex and look into ways to heal and gain some closure for yourself. It takes time for these feelings to pass; sometimes talking to someone can help the process.

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