How do we fully love our lives and extend love to those who are important to us? Do we have to be happy to be able to do that?

In our busy lives, we often do not find the time to ask ourselves, Am I living life to the fullest? Am I happy?  How can I love life more?  We may have thought about these things before but have not explored further.

How come? Are we afraid of the answer? Are we afraid of the work involved, the change that is involved?  

Let me suggest that you ponder that just for the next 5 minutes while you read this column and see what transpires.  

For a start break down your experience moment by moment. So right now in this exact moment, you are reading this article.   Many experiences have lead you to read this, curiosity, boredom, sadness, or you have a spare moment in your day. Whatever lead you here you are deciding to learn and possibly transform your current experience.  

Living our day moment to moment, making every experience count, can transform any mundane task into an adventure. It is not the big things that happen in life that we remember the most, it is the simple experiences when we felt connected to self or other that bring us the most joy.   I cannot remember what I have received for Christmas as a child most years but I do remember the fun of decorating our home on the first weekend of December.

To experience life to the fullest you must be in the “now”.   To do that  stay out of the past or the future, this is the place we unfortunately spend much of our time. In the future with thoughts like, “What if this happens?”, or in the past with thoughts like, “ I tried that before, it didn’t work, why bother to try again?”.   You must be willing to retrain your mind to remain in the present experience and be open to new experiences.  

Here are a few ideas for you:  

• For the next meal time, completely focus on the present. Your primary goal will be to focus on connection to self and other by listening and sharing of yourself. Seek to understand not to be understood. Be very aware of how you want to talk about someone else as a distraction. Make sure the television, computer and anything else that distracts you from your goal is turned off. Notice what it feels like to be fully present.
• Take this outside your home too, tune into the world around you as you go through your day. Make eye contact, smile, make a connection with someone who you usually would not. Be aware of the different experiences you have as you move throughout your day.

Connection to others what makes our life meaningful, it is what brings joy to our lives, take a risk and see what happens.  

Ask Lisa:

Dear Lisa,

My son keeps wanting me to bail him out financially, he's 24. How should I handle it. 

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

One thing that stands out for me although I don’t have much information is that you have set up the dynamic of wounded bird/savior. The ‘wounded bird” keeps feeling wounded as long as there is someone to save them.   If he is wanting you to bail him out it has worked in the past and he will certainly continue to ask as long as he gets what he wants and he will not have to take care of himself.

The thing for you to think about is how did this dynamic start? It can start from feelings of guilt. Somehow making up for something you didn’t give him in the past, emotionally or physically.  Often this dynamic is set up with parents and children of divorce, the parents think if they take care of the children this way they can somehow take the painful experiences away for the child. No amount of money or bail out can take the experience away. In fact, letting our children feel what they need to feel without trying to fix or change can be the very thing that helps them heal.

You cannot change what he is doing you can however change your reaction to your son’s requests.

• Is there something you are trying to make up for by “bailing” him out? Do you need to make amends to him for anything?
• Communicate how it makes you feel when he is asking for money. Slowly start to speak to him adult to adult.
• How capable do you think he is of taking care of himself and how are you demonstrating that to him? Often parents are full of advice which can undermine the capability of the child. Listen more, give advice less.
• Tell him that you will help him out this time and will not be able to do it again. Suggest that you are willing to help him set up a  budget if he needs that for the future.

Expect that your son is capable of taking care of himself, these struggles and bumps in the road are teaching him something valuable.  

Why is everything 'my job' and my husband just offers to help?  

It is always your job because you have made it that way! You have always done it, if you want something to change in your house you have to step back and expect him to do it successfully.

• Have a conversation about how over worked you feel, this can have the biggest impact.
• Ask for help, and receive the help, even if it is not up to your standards.( thats important)
• Have a weekly meeting to talk about what is working and what is not. Sometimes there are jobs that people don’t mind doing, some hate laundry but are ok about dishes, talk about that too.
• You are going to have to back up, give him the space to take up a job, often women are so quick to jump up and do it first. Men go about cleaning in a different way then we do, but in the end if its clean who cares how it was done!